mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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