just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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