God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
