And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
