i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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