could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
