They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
