Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
