so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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