saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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