as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
