Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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