Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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