My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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