So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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