somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
