We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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