He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
