I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
