Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
