Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
