he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
