Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
