I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
