I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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