I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
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