This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
