Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
