Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
