I seem to have left my pride at pride
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
