She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
