Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
