It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
