Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
