Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
