when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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