i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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