paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
