the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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