he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
