What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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