In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
love makes seman taste better
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
How's work?
Spinning.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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