A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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