lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Boobs speak an international language.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
