Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
