my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
