The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
