someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
