Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
