never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
